Changing the Behaviour of Others
As I interacted with people over the holidays, I was exposed to different ways that I and others use to change the behaviour of others. If we are honest, we all try to do this. Sometimes, there is a very good reason, and the best of intentions. But, I think a lot of times we are just plain trying to control others, and make them how we want them to be.
Parents seem to do this with children almost all the time, and probably rightly so for much of it. But with adults we still do it too.
Some of the way I took part / observed:
- Shame: by telling someone (directly or indirectly) that you are disappointed with their action, you are trying to shame them so they will change. I don’t particularly think this one is very good to use. It is often very effective, and I do see it used regularly. But, I see that it causes harm in the long run.
- Educate: through reasoning and logic we try to persuade people there is a better way to think or act. This method has the potential to come across judgmental and/or condescending. I think, when used with care, this can be a fairly decent way to change another’s behaviour.
- Display: using your own actions, show people a way to think or act. Without words, an invitation is made to replicate your actions. When words are used, they often become shaming and doubly judgmental.
The first two would fall into the broad category of “molding” the behaviour of another. Educating can be more of an invitation to change, but is often done with the expectation of a specific response, so I call it a “molding” technique. The third would be “modeling”. When used without words that shame, it is an open invitation to the other for change.
There seems to be somewhat of an age-appropriateness factor in ways to change another. Children pick up on the way others act far more than we think (modeling), yet they also need direct molding – by education and/or consequences. I’m still of the mind that shaming is more counterproductive than useful, even though it may initially obtain the desired results.
What does it mean to have simplicity and purity in our adult relationships? I’d like to suggest we stay far away from shame. What if we consciously tried to use less molding and more modeling, with education added when initiated by the other.
I think we would have much more freedom and openness in our relationships. We would allow each other to be who they are, yet also allow them to change. Hopefully, we would see where we need to change too. And I think we would love more freely and with less expectations.